


Shit, maybe I miss you

by CalsBeanieProtection



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:09:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalsBeanieProtection/pseuds/CalsBeanieProtection
Summary: “Live life to the fullest because everything else is uncertain.”au of Ben having cancer and losing his life.Please don’t read if you are triggered or get upset by mentions of cancer or death.
Relationships: Ben Mitchell & Phil Mitchell, Ben Mitchell/Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway & Ben Mitchell & Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway & Lexi Pearce, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Kathy Beale & Ben Mitchell
Comments: 21
Kudos: 45





	Shit, maybe I miss you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Callum’s beanie gc for always supporting me](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Callum%E2%80%99s+beanie+gc+for+always+supporting+me).



> Once more warning of mentions of cancer and the death of a major character. There is a lot of angst and hurt.
> 
> This is a personal story to me and it is a hard read so please listen to the warnings and don’t read if it will upset or trigger you 💜

Ben never thought about dying, it never crossed his mind. He didn’t worry that one day something would snatch his life, or that he wouldn’t be there in the world anymore. It just didn’t register in his mind. He lived life to the fullest. Got drunk, had petty fights and went home to get bandaged up and kissed by his boyfriend. 

He wasn’t scared, not of dying. 

Not until headaches started. Throbbing behind his eyes, short circuiting it’s way throughout his body. He went to the doctors, Callum’s hand gripped tightly in his, a man just as scared to lose the one thing that mattered in his life. He held tighter as he listened to words the doctors said, blurring in and out as he struggled to focus.  _Glioblastoma. Brain tumour. Inoperable._ These words didn’t register though, because how could he be dying? He was only twenty four. He had a daughter. A family. He was getting married. He couldn’t be sitting there with a brain tumour so vicious the white mass on the screens covered nearly his whole left side. 

Callum treaded lightly around Ben now, he was scared, though he wouldn’t admit it. 

“Ben, I need you to drink some water?” He’d said, ensuring Ben got the fluids he needed. Things started to get harder, there was no denying the strain it placed on both men. Callum didn’t leave Ben’s side, choosing to prioritise his boyfriend before all others. 

“I just want to go home” Ben had said after gruelling tests and magnitudes of bile being expelled from his already empty stomach. The taste sour on his tongue. His throat burned. Ben once more tuned out as the doctor spoke to Callum, who hung tightly onto every word as he heard there weren’t many options.  _Unlikely._ They could operate, but there was no guarantee that it would work or they could remove enough to help ease the suffering of the young couple. 

Callum had helped Ben climb out of car, his frail body leaning on his boyfriend for the support he desperately needed.  _Home._ That’s what Ben thinks as he’s being settled into the bed, the softness soothing the pain seeping through him, wrapping round him in a vice grip. The thorns cutting deep and holding the place there. 

“Are you in pain?” Callum mumbled, pressing a flat palm to the top of Ben’s head, moving the hair into a sticking out position. “You don’t feel hot, do you want medicine?” Ben could only nod, although from the small wince he produced, Callum knew even the tiny action caused great pain. 

They’d spent that night in bed, Grease playing as Callum’s fingers stroked their way through Ben’s hair. 

Ben knows his happy place is with his head on the chest of Callum. It’s when he can hear the steady thrum of his heartbeat. It feels like music to his ears and he doesn’t want to think that soon he won’t ever hear that sound again. 

They drift in and out of sleep, soft kisses pressed against each other as they fall peacefully to slumber. Muttered  I love you  being exchanged, though it’s whispered so quietly it could almost have been part of Ben’s imagination. 

Ben is awoken, the watery mouth and knotted stomach a sure sign of what’s about to happen. The light is flickering in through the gap in the blinds, the soft wind from the open window billowing it gently. Callum had insisted on leaving it open to allow some fresh air. Ben didn’t know if it made much difference as he darted his way through the apartment, barely making the white bowl of the toilet before expelling any food he’d eaten the previous night. 

Callum had been by his side in minutes, a bottle of water in one hand as the other rubbed gently circles along his back. “Go away,” had been spoken by Ben before more sick had lined the toilet. “You don’t need to see this.”

But Callum had stayed, because how could he ever leave Ben to suffer alone? Once Ben was sure he had nothing left he was guided to the sofa, a large blanket enveloping him in warmth, the fire blaring in front of him. 

Feathered kisses were pressed to his head for the remainder of the day as once more they watched the blues and whites of the sky before oranges and reds dancing in harmony and becoming a darkened blue. The moon providing the only light into their room. It created a shadow, a line along the floorboards.

“Do you think when I’m gone that Lexi will remember me?” Ben had asked sadly, his eyes slowly starting to drop. Callum has reassured him they’d be looking for him in the sky, as the brightest start shining even brighter than the moonlight. 

Weeks had passed since Ben had his life ripped from under his feet and Callum lived each day in a fear. He was scared to sleep incase he woke up and Ben was no longer with him, or if he popped to the shops would he come back and been unable to say goodbye? 

People visited, of course they did. Kathy didn’t understand, the world was unfair to her. She’d lived her life and instead of her child burying her when the time was right, she was making arrangements for when the time came to bury her son. 

Lexi understand more than any person gave her credit for. She knew her daddy was going with the angels.  _Heaven will gain the best angel in the whole world_ she had said one night they had her for a sleepover, and  _fuck did it hurt._

The constant throbbing became more intense, and the vomiting crawled up his throat before he even had a chance to register what was going to happen. Callum was always by his side, always whispering reassuring words,  “ _it’s gonna be okay, I’ve got you, you’re okay.”_

Even though Ben knew what was happening, what the effects were it didn’t stop the fear when he collapsed in the living room one night they had been dancing to what was supposed to be their wedding song.  _Story of my life_.  Ben had chosen it when he found out about the cancer, he doesn’t remember why. The seizures became more frequent and before long he was back in hospital, his family gathered as they whisked him down for the operation. They didn’t remove much, they couldn’t. It had wrapped itself round too much. It wasn’t enough. 

Callum had once again helped Ben into bed after the operation, staying vigilante in case another seizure happened. “Tell me a story, anything.” Ben had begged weakly, enjoying the warmth Callum offered with his body pressed gently against Ben, kisses littering his forehead. And so that night curled around each other Callum told Ben a story like no other, of a brave and courageous man who was fighting hard to survive, who wanted to travel the world and when he heard the soft snoring of Ben, Callum allowed himself to cry. His tear tracks marring his beautiful skin as sobs escaped past his lips. His eyes resting on the man he was slowly losing and he knew there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop it happening. 

Lexi visits more regular, a ray of sunshine Ben and Callum adore. She watches her dad with sad eyes, because how could she live without her hero? The news still hasn’t fully sunk in for her, even six months later. Nothing prepared her for hearing the words she did when Ben and Callum sat her down on a raining Tuesday.She was scared - of course she was. She was a child who’s father was going to die. He’d never see her complete her exams. He wouldn’t be there to hold her hand when she gets her heart broken for the first time and offer to knock out the culprit responsible for his daughters hurt. He wouldn’t be there to see her walk down the isle; after finding the happiness he had with Callum. He wouldn’t be there to hold her children; his grandchildren. These were things he’d never have the opportunity to do and Lexi couldn’t process this, instead crying almost every time she saw her dad. 

“Hey,” he’d say weakly whilst reaching for her, “none of that. It’s gonna be okay.” He had tried to reassure her but that was harder when he couldn’t reassure himself. 

“How can you say that? You’re going to die and leave me here by myself. I’m not ready daddy, you should be with me until you’re eighty.” Her words had broken Ben a little more that day as he regarded his girl, but all he could see was pain -  _so much pain._

“I’m going to die, yes and I don’t want to princess, I don’t want to leave because I’m not ready either, but it will happen and I’m so sorry you’re gonna have to deal with the hurt of missing me. I don’t want that.” Ben has whispered hoarsely, his voice raw from the vomiting. 

“But yet you refuse treatment,” she had snapped back, reminding her dad exactly why she was a Mitchell. And it was true. Ben had refused any treatment. He knew this reduced his time considerably and some even labelled it selfish - leaving his family behind. He just couldn’t bring himself to be prodded at, poked around at and have needles stuck into him for months, constantly on drips and having the pitiful looks of the nurses who knew his attempts to survive were futile. 

“He doesn’t want treatment,” he’d heard Callum say to the other end of his phone, unsure exactly who he was telling. “I’ve tried Jay, I’ve tried everything he doesn’t want it. I’m so tired, and I’m scared.” Ben had listening intently, hearing how broken his boyfriend was caused tears to swell under his eyes. “What if fall asleep one day and he’s gone and I never got to say goodbye? Why him Jay?” Callum’s voice had broken, causing Ben’s tears to spill as he crawled into bed and pulled the duvet above his head - crying hard but quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben had whispered when Callum had exhaustedly climbed in beside him that night; all evidence of his early upset erased from his face. 

“What for?” Callum had snuggled into Ben, being sure to be gentle with him. 

“If you don’t want to stay I’d understand, I don’t blame you.” Even saying the words felt like acid on Ben’s throat, worse than the bile he regularly produced. 

“Stay?” Confusing evident on his features. “You think I’d leave? I’d never leave you baby, especially not like this.”

“I’m dying Callum, and I think it might be sooner than we think.” He sniffed, not quite ready to tell Callum just how much pain he was in, in that moment. “I’ll become hideous, even more weak and you’ll have to do everything. I’ll look horrible and I’ll be so ill.” 

Callum looked at Ben and _fuck_.  Ben was giving up. He was going to  _die_.  Callum didn’t know what to other than press a barely there kiss to Ben’s chapped and dry lips, whispering the words he knew Ben so desperately needed to hear. 

Ben was getting weaker as the weeks passed and so the decision was made to bring their wedding forward. Ben had protested, he wanted Callum to move on and find love after he was gone, but Callum had insisted he was marrying him. 

Their wedding was beautiful, an intimate event that had few family and close friends. Everyone danced and laughed as they both promised each other forever. Callum couldn’t hold back his tears as he repeated words . _Till death do us part._ The air was thick when those words were whispered, everyone knowing just how soon death would make them part. Lexi had been flower girl, her pretty pink dress a tad much for such a small gathering but she hadn’t cared. 

Their father daughter dance had everyone crying.  _I loved her first._ That was the song they’d chosen, because no matter what Ben would always be the first man Lexi ever loved. She was her daddy’s girl. She hadn’t bothered to hide the hurt as Ben had to sit down halfway through the dance, stars lining his vision as he became lightheaded. 

People came to him throughout the event, kissing his head, holding his hand with reassuring squeezes and as Ben looked around the room he took in every detail. His husband, the smile he wore never reaching his eyes like Ben knows it normally does. He was tired. 

His mum, crying to anyone who’d let use their shoulder - which turned out more often to be his dad. The room was filled with all the people who mattered the most to him. His brother, sister, and the mother of his beautiful daughter. It hit Ben in that moment.  _He wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to die._ It was out with his control, and he knew that as he weakly walked to Callum, getting ready for their own first dance. 

“I love you,” had been whispered ghost like against his lips and Callum held him gently but still tight enough that he didn’t fall. 

_ The story of my life _

_ I’ll take him home _

_ I’ll drive all night  _

_ To keep him warm  _

_ And time  _

_ Is frozen  _

The words resonated with Ben, this moment would be frozen in his mine forever, long before he’s gone he doubts Callum would allow himself to ever forget. Waltzing around the room at a soft pace and whispering all those gently words of love into his ear causing Ben to blush a deep crimson - passed off as being warm, because he was too manly to be blushing of course. 

Their wedding had been perfect, although Kathy had questioned their song choice multiple times. Callum interjecting every time to tell her the chorus is what she should focus on. 

Ben isn’t used to being unable to form sentences. He’s used to expressing exactly how he feels - which more than often resulted in a punch to the face, a split lip and Callum dressing his wounds with a tut and lecture. However soon he was unable to do that, he got confused and forgot words that he knows deep down that he knows. 

“Cal, I need to find the thing that you know?” But Callum didn’t know, because he wasn’t used to Ben being unable to form the sentences. “What baby?” Ben had imitated the motion of what Callum deciphered as buttons on a remote. “The remote?” He’d asked to which Ben had nodded. He wasn’t sure how he could just forget something like this. It was so simple, yet Ben didn’t know. 

Callum noticed, of course he does but slowly Ben would forget more, little words and he knew it was coming soon. Ben couldn’t process sentences or conversations unless it was spoken slowly and clearly to him. His brain struggling to keep up with the things being thrown at him. Callum had to explain to anyone who visited that he you must speak slowly and in short sentences. 

_I love you._ The words aren’t spoken by Callum, but Ben knows he says them and his lips form the small smile before he responds.  I love you too. 

Ben notices the small lines inked on Callum’s ring finger almost immediately, lifting his hand weakly to inspect.  _What’s this?_ He mentally asks and it’s when Callum doesn’t respond that he realises he didn’t actually say the words aloud. He taps the tattoo which gathers Callum’s full attention. 

“It’s your heartbeat. I want you with me always. I won’t ever forget you.” Ben’s heart breaks some more as he realises just how broken the man in front of him is. Ben is going to die and Callum will need to find a way to live without him, no matter how much it hurts. 

They tell stories, singing gently along to the songs playing. Callum thinks Ben doesn’t realise what he’s doing but he does when he plays the soft melodies of his favourite musicals, chucking in the odd One Direction song and they both pretend they don’t love the music, even though more often than not they always sing along - well Callum does enough singing for both of them since Ben can’t. 

_ Every heart breaks the same, ever tear leaves a stain.  _

The lyrics played through Callum’s mind as it played in the background on one of Ben’s bad days. He was holed up in Ben, sick bowl beside him and wrapped in a layer of blankets, claiming to be cold though he felt hot to touch. 

_How?_ That’s all he kept questioning. How could he continue? How could he be without Ben and know a world that didn’t include him. Every tear was going to leave that stain, a permanent reminder that Ben was gone. 

Callum can feel it coming now, he has for a few weeks now and he knows that Ben can too.  _No. Not yet._ He notices Ben tries to speak but doesn’t push him to form any words. Miraculously Ben does though. “Love you.” Callum does everything in his power to hold the tears at bay as he feels Ben’s fingers tighten around the jumper he’s wearing, but it’s useless. They fall anyway and Callum can’t stop them. “Oh baby, I love you.” Ben snuggles in closer, resting his head against the chest of Callum, hearing the steady strum of his heartbeat.  _Home_ _,_ he thinks.  _I’m home._

No amount of preparing in the world can ever be enough for that last breath. It didn’t happen loudly, just a shaky, whimpered breath in an out and the stopping of the chest rising and falling. Everything is still, everything stopped. 

It takes Callum a long time to let go of Ben, to even call the ambulance and explain exactly what’s happened. That the light in his life had dimmed and gone out. He looked like he was sleeping, his lips slightly parted and eyes rested closed. Callum prays to the heavens that he isn’t hurting anymore, seeing how innocent he looks, how gentle. The paramedics arrive and begin to take him from Callum, detangling them and  _christ, be gentle with him,_ Callum thinks. _You’re holding my world._

Once he’s gone, Callum just sits on the window ledge, staring into nothing and watching as snowflakes fall from the white clouds looming over him. He stares at the sky, begging the God he doesn’t believe in to take away the hurt and give him back his husband because he can’t take the pain anymore. 

Nothings changed in the house. Ben’s clothes still litter the area, the blankets he slipped away in resting on his side of the bed - Callum refusing to wash them. He wants to keep them frozen in time. It’s only when he opens Ben’s drawer does he find an envelope with his name scrawled across it in black ink, Ben’s handwriting.  _What is this?_ He settles down in his bed, pulling the sheets tighter around him and the sleeves of Ben’s jumper over his knuckles and begins to read. 

_ Callum, _

_ You don’t know I’m writing this but you’re standing in front of me in your dressing gown doing housework, and you look fucking beautiful. I hope you find this when I’m gone because I will probably forget to give you it.  _

_ I’m so scared Cal, I’ve never been more scared in my life. I should be watching Lexi grow, marrying and having kids. Living the amazing life I know she’s gonna have, but instead I’m writing you a letter because I’m going to die. I don’t want to leave you both, why don’t I get the happy ending Cal?  _

Callum takes a shaky breath, nothing the smudging of ink on the paper, the sure sign that Ben had been crying when he wrote this letter. Squeezing his eyes closed he tried to expel the tears before he continued. 

_Promise me something? You won’t stay alone forever. Move on and be happy. That’s what I want. You to be happy and I know we promised forever but life had other ideas for that and well, quite frankly life could piss off. I don’t mean go and get fucked the minute I’m in my box, but just don’t hold onto me forever. It’ll only break your heart. Time takes time to_ _heal you. Yes I used Louis Tomlinson quote, from the song you constantly have on repeat when you think I’m sleeping. I enjoy listening to you sing it, even though I know how much you’re hurting._

_ Make sure my mum is okay for me too yeah? Don’t let her feel alone, I don’t want her to feel alone. You’re so brave and caring Cal, I’ve never had someone love me the way you do. Looking after me when I look like a bag of shit, cleaning sick out of my hair because sometimes I just don’t make the toilet in time. I’m not the brave one, it’s you. I’m just scared.  _

_ To die must be an awfully big adventure, in the words of that stupid flying twat you made me watch one night with Lexi, but I don’t want an adventure. I want you. I want my family and I want to be healthy. I don’t want to die Callum. I’m not ready to die.  _

_I’m sorry this isn’t some soppy love letter, you know I was never really good at expressing my feelings but I just need you to know how much I love you. How much I’m going to miss you. Do you think there’s an afterlife? I mean let’s be realistic I’m probably not getting into heaven am I? I hope there is though, so I can watch you, and keep an eye on Lexi. You’re the best person I’ve ever met Cal, and I’m_ _sorry I couldn’t keep my promise of forever. Do you think it’ll hurt? I’m scared it’s going to hurt more than it already does, what if I feel everything? What if I feel my life slipping away? I don’t want to die that way. Just make sure you’re holding me, please. Keep me safe._

_ I’ve rambled a bit and I’m sorry, but I love you so much Callum Mitchell. More than you could ever imagine or know. Look up when I’m gone yeah? I’ll be your angel. I’ll guide you to happiness.  _

_ Thank you for everything you’ve ever did for me. Cleaning my cuts and bruises, kissing them all better and allowing me to just be with you. Thank you for loving me, and teaching me in time how to love me. Thank you for making me chicken pasta every time I wanted it and showing me how to make those cute little cheesecakes. Thank you for loving Lexi the way you do. She’s beyond lucky to have you as her stepfather.  _

_ Perhaps one day we can see each other again, I mean you better live your life first because I’ll kick you back out of heaven if you don’t. Have kids, grandkids but whatever you do don’t leave too early yeah?  _

_ I got something made for you, it’s in the cupboard underneath that shirt you hate so much. Happy Birthday babe.  _

_ Look after our girl for me. She’s gonna need you and I’m gonna need you to keep her safe. Protect her from the horribleness that’s in the world and love her enough for the two of us.  _

_ I can’t wait to hear about your own adventures baby, but make sure there’s lots of stories to tell me.  _

_ Till we meet again,  _

_ Ben x  _

Callum knows he’s crying, ugly snot crying but he doesn’t care. Even as Ben lay dying he still found the will to leave him something special.It took all of his energy to climb off the bed and go to their cupboard and move the clothes. Underneath as Ben had stated was a bear. A plain brown one and as Callum picked it out the smell of Ben met his nostrils, nearly knocking him over with surprise. Pushing the hand he waited with bated breath as the sounds filmed the room. It only took him a minute to register what the sound was.  _Ben’s heartbeat._ Ben had left a tiny piece of him behind for Callum to snuggle with and Callum couldn’t do anything to stop the hot tears anymore. 

Slowly time passed and Callum found himself visiting Ben often, Lexi in tow usually. She had grown, matured quicker than her years - a sure sign of losing her father so young. She lived her life to the fullest now, ticking things off a bucket list her and Ben had made before he deteriorated. 

Death may end the life, but for Callum it never ended his relationship. He wears his wedding band with pride, determined to keep Ben’s love alive, because all he had now was memories. You think you have time, but you don’t. Instead Callum looks to the stars each night, knowing that Ben is there guiding him on his way and for Callum - he couldn’t think of anything else more important. 


End file.
